Date: Wed, 25 Oct 2000 05:12:11 -0700 (PDT)
An open letter to the President, Congress, and Supreme Court of the United States of America
From: Alan Wescoat, majority stockholder, Planet Earth, Inc.
Esteemed Representatives of the American People,
I would like to first commend you for the passage of the We-Hate-Homosexuals-Even-if-They-Are-American-Ctitzens Act last February. Acknowledging that individual states have the Constitutional right to deny recognition of morally repugnant marriages among homosexuals is a great leap in securing our hegemony over the future of America and each and every individual citizen. It is essential to our liberty that we morally righteous citizens be free to purge our communites of unseemly individuals and ghastly interpersonal relationships as we see fit. For your dedication to American ideals of liberty, justice, and individual rights, I commend you.
Now that this skirmish against those who would poison and corrupt our society and way of life has been won, I would like to draw your attention to another matter that has somehow escaped national attention for a very long time. The majority of Americans are aware of God's denunciation of homosexuality. The message of the Bible is clear. Reading from the King James Version, Leviticus 18:22 tells us: "Thou shalt not lie with mankind as with womankind: it is abomination." No stronger word than "abomination" could be used. I am disturbed, then, when I observe another such abomination occurring every day in every city in God's Most Chosen Nation, America. Leviticus 11:10 reveals to us another abomination: "And all that have not fins and scales in the seas,and in the rivers, of all that move in the waters, and of any living thing which is in the waters, they shall be an abomination unto you:"
I have observed with my own eyes the corruption of children by their own parents. The abomination of eating shellfish has persisted in the United States for centuries, and nothing has been done about this horrendous affront to the Almighty. The situation is out of hand. Unlike underground homosexual businesses, shellfish restaurants are allowed to flagrantly advertise their perversions. As I write to you now, I am observing a Red Lobster commercial on television. A young couple are displaying blatant disregard for God's law by consuming abominable crustaceans and feeding the Satanic flesh to their children as well.
We have beaten back the queers. It is now time to challenge the immorality of the crustacean eaters. According to the majority vote of the shareholders of Planet Earth, Inc., we demand the following legislation:
1. That shellfish be banned from all restaurants.
2. That all harvesting of shellfish be banned.
3. That the sale of shellfish be prohibited.
4. That no state is obliged to recognize any marriage among eaters of shellfish.
5. That any offspring resulting from fornication among eaters of shellfish shall, at the discretion of the state, be placed into protective custody in order that they may be liberated from the corrupting influences of their parents' appetites.
6. That all personal property owned by eaters of shellfish be confiscated and forfeited to the federal government upon discovery of any crime related to eating, possessing, raising, selling, buying, or harvesting shellfish.
7. That the United States government strive to eradicate all forms of crustacean, ignoring all negative ecological consequences of genocide.
8. Due to the extreme moral urgency of the matter, we further ask that the Bill of Rights be suspended in regard to all things shellfish.
9. We would also like to pursue public executions of shellfish eaters who cross state lines in pursuit of their Satanic indulgence.
Thank you for your consideration. The stockholders of Planet Earth, Inc. will remember you at election time.
(writing on behalf of all right-wing Christian wackos everywhere in the Land of the Free and the Home of the Brave)