Date: Wed, 8 Nov 2000

Forces of Evil Declare Victory

Repugnacrats Win by Landslide!

Repugnacratic candidate Alfonzo Gush was jubilant this morning as votes were counted showing a clear win for him and his party. In what is tentatively being described as a record voter turnout, Gush pull 98% of the popular vote, winning in all states. "Our control over the future of America is secure," said the president-elect. "The overwhelming majority of Americans are convinced that we have their best interests in mind. I'm ecstatic."

The Repugnacrats reveled through the night as the votes were tallied. A clear trend toward support of the Repugnacrats immeditately emerged and remained steady throughout the night. Shouts of joy and hugs of congratulations were in order as the tallies were announced. The president-elect stole brief moments to dote tenderly on his wife, Chipper. Gush's mother, Barbie Gush, smiled gleefully for this reporter, "I'm so proud of him. he's just like his father."

Gush is schedule to take control of the White House on January 20th of next year. When asked about his thoughts about the other parties who particiapted in the current race, Gush was heard to have said, "When I am president, the first thing I will do is order my lackeys to wipe them out, all of them."

Festivities are planned to continue through the week.

Alan Wescoat
Staff Writer